Abstract Iterations #5 - Proof that I am now over the bannings

Hello everyone and welcome to a special "quickie" edition of The Cardboard Witch.  I promise to stop with the short/humorous articles as soon as I have something relevant to write about; unfortunately with the recent ban announcement Standard has been turned completely upside down and I'm still too busy testing "new" decks to feel confident writing about the format.  In the meantime if it's okay I'd like to provide a little levity and address an issue that's quite personal to me at the same time.

Despite rumors to the contrary I have not spent the past couple of days in my basement crying and contemplating ritual suicide involving meticulously positioned copies of Stoneforge Mystic and Jace the Mind Sculptor.  Nor did I write a complicated note that would give the police the impression that Aaron Forsythe could be considered a "person of interest" in my death.  You could fairly say that perhaps I *thought* of these things but my lawyers will deny it in court so I don't see where that would get you.  No like most other U/W Mystic pilots I know, I spent most of Tuesday consuming hard drugs and then started brewing sometime early this morning.  Unfortunately despite my best efforts my deck-building attempts were constantly thwarted by both my heavy heart and the sense that every deck I built was far far too "fair" to be worth exploring.  After another sleepless night I came to the realization that I needed to cope with the bans in my own way; to once and finally lay to rest my beautiful deck and move on.  I mean some people have a funeral when their goldfish dies right?  I loved U/W Mystic more than any sane person on earth could possibly love a goldfish.

In light of this I am proposing that we as a Magic community get together and hold a mass vigil for our fallen friends Stoneforge Mystic and Jace the Mind Sculptor.  I have no real idea when and where we should do this but appropriate places that spring to mind include; in the WotC parking lot, on Patrick Chapin's front lawn or perhaps during judge announcements at the World Championships.  In the hopes of inspiring people to "make this happen" I've even written a moving tribute song to be played "at the funeral".  It's set to Puff Daddy's (what's a Diddy?) "I'll be Missing You"; if you are unfamiliar with the song you can find it here and I recommend playing it along as you read the lyrics of this moving tribute:

Seems like yesterday we used to play Hawks, say go. 

I Jaced the stack and you fished the Skull. 

So far from waiting on a topdeck yo.  They printed you, they had to know

that we’d make a great team;

you, Jace and me.  So hard I prayed for this not to be and now your gone; broke up the dream.

With the ban hammer they reset the scene; in the future can’t wait to see

Just how disgusting Twin will be

Think I need some time, before I play cards again

Try to chill but it drives me crazy man

This is real, I don’t know how to feel

Can’t figure out how I’ll deal

Give anything to have them back; what do I do with Batterskull after this?

Every time I play, since yesterday there’s just no way, even if I pray that they’ll unban you

Crying for the day, when you’ll go away.  What a choice to make; ban Mystic and Jace.

Wish they’d unban you.

It’s kinda hard with you not around, I know you extended; I play Standard now

Scrying cards just ain’t the same, my Hawks alone and that’s a shame

Till July we’ll play to win, then my trade binder I’ll keep you in.

Preordain give me the the draw I need, to proceed; not the same if you ask me

I’ve gotta brew but can’t unwind, wish I could go back to happy times

Play Jace, draw three; just find a Hawk for me, Mystic instead? Yes please

So you see, just ain’t prepared to move on; haven’t picked up cards since you gone

Give anything to have ya’ll back; I wish I’d never talked all that crazy smack.

Every time I play, since yesterday there’s just no way, even if I pray that they’ll unban you

Crying for the day, when you’ll go away.  What a choice to make; ban Mystic and Jace.

Wish they’d unban you.

Somebody tell me why

You’d make a Precon, when this ban was coming?

And why did you kill Jace?   

Every time I play, every turn I take, hands start to shake, heart starts to quake, give back my Jace

X4

Voiceover:  Every day that passes is a day we get closer to this crazy ban. We’ll miss you guys but we’ll win anyways because we can. That’s right.  We’ll miss you guys

Every time I play, since yesterday there’s just no way, even if I pray that they’ll unban you

Crying for the day, when you’ll go away.  What a choice to make; ban Mystic and Jace.

Wish they’d unban you.

X2 + add crazy Faith Evans vocal improvisational stuff.

Obviously we'll need to contact Faith Evans because I simply can *not* do that with my voice but I should be able to handle the rap parts if someone else can do sound; perhaps one of the 95 million podcast teams on Twitter?  Regardless of who does what I know I can rely on the Magic community to do the right thing here and help send off our departed friends in style.  For those of you interested feel free to post your availability in the comments so people have a rough idea of which crazy bastards to avoid at upcoming tournaments and conventions.  As always thanks for reading and I hope to see you again here at The Cardboard Witch.

*Nina winks*