And Now For Something Completely Different.

Hello folks; I certainly hope you're all having a better day/week than I am right now and welcome to another edition of The Cardboard Witch. Unfortunately I don't have any sweet Standard technology for you today; in fact this isn't really a Magic article at all. Recently I've been testing Modern Jund decks on a nightly basis in the hopes of attending/doing well at Gran Prix Toronto on December the 8th. As I also mentioned my life has been extremely stressful recently and at some point these two facts crossed over and my tiny squirrel-like brain spit out the "masterpiece" of modern rap "filkery" you see below.

For those of you who don't know the song, go download/watch Jay Z's "Brooklyn, We Go Hard" and come back or this won't make much sense:

"Bloodbraid, We Go Hard"

Bloodbraid, Bloodbraid, Bloodbraid, Bloodbraid
We go hard, we go hard
Bloodbraid, we go hard, we go hard
(Repeat X2)
Bloodbraid, we go hard, we go hard
(Repeat X3)

This is Swamp magic rap
There's no fear in my eyes when I fetch, crack
Betta cast Expedition Map
It's fine, me not like ta Bob-fight
Me not tink such a deck is threat to my life, right?

So you wanna test my ride?
Just promise when I win, you won't cry
Boom bye bye,  Lil voodoo, it's crucial
I'm a Cascade pro, it may take some gettin' use to

Hand snatching, can't have it, gotta rip it
Same shit from Infect to lame Fishes.
Master this child; mana pooled, full grippin'
Even the combo deckers, they was all afraid to bang with it

Before you know it, I win the game; bang finished
Reach for my sweet sideboard, peel the answers back
Like a rin-ger is, I'm dangerous
Tell me, you ain't really playin this shit?

Bloodbraid, we go hard, we go hard
(Repeat X3)
Bloodbraid, we go hard, we go hard
(Blood-braid Elf-Ok?)
Bloodbraid, we go hard, we go hard)
(I Cascade, cast again!)
(Repeat entire section X2)

I Thoughtseize, I Bloodbraid Elf to them
I crack, I Bob, I win
Ah man, what card types are in the bin?
Cause when Goyf meets face, I'm going ta win
Lucky me? Ninja please, you can't touch me
Betta call off the bets, 'less you top-deck quickly
You're looking for cards, but yo hand is so sickly
No love, miss me, deck by... Smitty?

I pity the fool with tools from LSV
With no history, in Toronto, meet sorrow
Ain't no way that you'll be returning tomorrow
Day two don't come out for many, right Benny?
Cash orphans, your deck should'a been an abortion
Top-decks almost did, yet I managed to live
I mull hard, I owe it all to my rips
Now, please tell me; what the fuck is harder than this?

Bloodbraid, we go hard, we go hard
(Repeat X3)
Bloodbraid, we go hard, we go hard
(Blood-braid Elf-Ok?)
Bloodbraid, we go hard, we go hard)
(I Cascade, cast again!)
(Repeat entire section)

Well I've got no byes, due to circumstance
Up at Six, as a consequeance
By round 5, I'll be done with fools
Mouthbreathers; don't know the rules

Road was harsh, now its all good
That shit wont fly in my neck of the woods
Let's call the judge now, that's a warning
Sun-day, we play all morning.

Gotta make you think, dropping tricks like ballers
Shaman is a whore, just glad I'm the one that got her
Why don't you just quit, shaking to the core
One turn, one draw, beat you some more

The field is tough and top eight's a mess
Got big cash dreams and a tricked out deck
Robbing fools just to earn street cred
To kill your voice, whining in my head.

Bloodbraid, we go hard, we go hard
(Repeat X 3)
Bloodbraid, we go hard, we go hard
(Repeat X 3)
Bloodbraid, we go hard, we go hard
go hard, go hard

Well, I think it's safe to say we all feel better after that. I know I do. Until next time remember that if you aren't having fun, you aren't really playing Magic. Hopefully I'll be back with an article before the GP talking about "How I Learned to Play Modern Despite Hating the Format". Peace out gang.


-nina